My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
