So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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