Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
