I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
