Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
