Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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