If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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