Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
