Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
3pm strippers are depressing
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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