i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
