my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
