Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
