Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
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