Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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