I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
