i would punch a child for taco bell
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
