I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
