I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
