Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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