alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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