A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
