Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
