my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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