??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
