it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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