I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize