doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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