Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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