Heybabeimwearingurpanties
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
