the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
