I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
