woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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