remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
