I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
