my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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