Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
