oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
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I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
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