Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
