I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
