I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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