Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
This beer is not sobering me up at all
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She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
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What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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