I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
