Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
