my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
There's a naked man in my car right now.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
