I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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