I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
