we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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