i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
