if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Randomize
