gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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