I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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