I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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