Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
