omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Do vagina's smell?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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