3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I wanna bring you to show and tell
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
