so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
