i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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