My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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