wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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