dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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