I think I died a long time ago.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Randomize
