I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
