Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
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