I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
